Since 2009, I’ve been writing about all the ups and downs of my financial independence journey, the good and the bad. What I can clearly say is that who you partner with in life is one of the most important variables for achieving financial freedom. Get that right, and everything else gets easier. Get it wrong, and no amount of net worth will save you.
I met my wife in college at the College of William and Mary when we both had absolutely no money. We’ve been through everything together as a couple, always having each other’s backs.
In 2008, during the depths of the global financial crisis, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I left my job in 2012 and she left hers in 2015, and for a brief, golden window of time, we were free together. It was wonderful.
Then in 2017, we were gifted with both immense joy and profound hardship with the arrival of our son. Suddenly, the energy we once poured into each other was almost entirely redirected toward keeping a tiny human alive. The freedom we had built so carefully together evaporated overnight.
We slowly came up for air, and then had our daughter in 2019. A beautiful bundle of joy, arriving just in time for COVID to make full time parenting even harder. We hired an au pair who was tremendous. And then she moved on with her life, as people do.
Divorce After Kids Is An Understandable, Heartbreaking Reality
Before becoming a father, I always found it strange that parents would divorce while their children were still young. Given how long it takes to plan, conceive and give birth to a child, you would think that sticking it out until they are 18 would simply be the default path.
But now, nine years into parenting two kids, I completely understand why couples fall apart after having children. The amount of energy and time required to raise them is staggering.
And inevitably, both parents end up feeling underappreciated, neglected, and invisible, not necessarily because their partner stopped caring, but because every last drop of care gets funneled toward the children. After enough years of feeling unseen, separating and finding happiness elsewhere starts to feel less like giving up and more like survival.
I have been a stay at home father since both children were born, treating it as my primary job for the first five years of each of their lives, with Financial Samurai, podcasting, and writing books as side hustles.
This means long days. I am often up before 5am to write and respond to readers, and then spend the rest of the day with the kids when they were homeschooled. Then once they started school, it was doing drop offs, pickups, daddy day camp on weekends, homework, dinner, bath time, and bedtime. Repeat.
I love being a dad because I appreciate feeling useful. The funny conversations in the car are a delight. Walking them hand in hand to the school lobby and giving them big hugs and kisses every morning is still my favorite part of any day. I would not trade it.
But I need to be honest about something I have hinted at for years. I have felt underappreciated for a long time, and that feeling has only grown. Sadly, the gift of freedom can also be taken for granted.
Curiously, I have started drawing inspiration from working dads who grind 50 to 60 hours a week in an office, come home exhausted, and travel constantly, leaving their partners to hold everything together. If they can happily make things work, maybe I should change my ways.
Just Want To Be A Regular Dad Sometimes
Out of ten fathers I surveyed on how many days they traveled for work last year, the median was 40 days. As a result, I made it one of my New Year’s resolutions to travel at least 20 days solo this year, given I’m also the financial provider.
I have been away from my family for exactly eleven days since 2017, and that was only to fly back to check on my parents during COVID and for my dad’s surprise 80th birthday, which was priceless. So I figure, traveling for half the number of days the typical dad does in my peer group seems more than reasonable.
I’m a little envious of the working dads out there. The kind who flies to New York for a conference, orders the bone in ribeye at Peter Luger’s with their corporate card, has one too many glasses of Caymus, parties until 1am, and sleeps until 8am in a quiet hotel room with nobody needing anything from him.
The kind who comes home four days later and gets treated like a returning hero just for walking through the door with an airport gift shop bag. Their wives don’t seem to mind at all. And I’m impressed that they don’t.
Ironically, the more consistently you show up, the more invisible you become. To my wife, me being there almost every day is simply the baseline. It is Tuesday. Of course he is here. Why would I thank someone for Tuesday?
Struggles With Being A Mom Too
She has her own frustrations too, ones that are completely valid.
She manages the household scheduling, the childcare logistics, the children’s laundry, the planning, the scheduling, and she does not feel like I see all of it. Most recently, she’s taking classes online to become a preschool teacher, and is actually working as a substitute some weeks for $24/hour.
She is right. I do not see or consistently recognize all she does and I need to do a better job.
We are both tired. We are both doing our best and feeling like it is not enough. But nobody really cares because we chose to be parents and need to deal with it as we should.
When two exhausted people who love each other stop seeing one another, the distance grows quietly. And then one day it feels insurmountable.
And so, we made a decision.
It Is Time To Go Our Separate Ways
We both turned to AI as a neutral sounding board to help us sort through things. And after many long conversations, both with each other and with our robot therapist, we arrived at the same conclusion.
It was time to part ways.
My wife is taking the kids to see her parents in Virginia and West Virginia. Our kids haven’t seen them in years, and they are not healthy enough to fly to visit us in San Francisco, despite offering to pay for their travel.
As a last attempt to salvage our relationship, I suggested stopping by Williamsburg to show the kids our old college stomping grounds. I thought it would be fun to recreate photos from when we were broke 22-year-olds with no idea what was coming. The idea didn’t land, given the time crunch. So it’s her mom’s Virginia suburb and her dad’s cabin in the woods it is.
Tired Of All My Complaining
My wife said she was sick of my whining and told me to be a man. If I couldn’t provide for her and the kids, what good was I? All the other dads in our school community were out there working hard for their families. To even suggest that the biggest flex is to have the wife be the main provider is insulting. Those words cut deeply.
Then she delivered the final uppercut.
She said, “I never asked to retire early in 2015. It was always your dream to have me retire so I could entertain you during your FIRE journey. You wanted to prove negotiating your severance wasn’t a fluke, so you pushed the idea on me. But when I was working, I felt meaningful, like I was somebody. You don’t appreciate that I gave up my career to be a full-time mom while still doing all the little things for Financial Samurai in the background. You just don’t see me, and I’m just sick of all your BS. Oh, and you’re so cheap too coming up with all these stupid rules to save money! Good-bye!”
Oh, the pain and sadness. Left alone in San Francisco with no wife, no kids, and no agenda, I decided to go where I’m loved unconditionally and rarely judged.
I booked a flight to Honolulu to see my parents.
I briefly considered going bigger, adding 11 or 12 days backpacking through Vietnam and Thailand, going full digital nomad, finding myself on a beach in Southeast Asia. I’ve been dreaming about that for over a decade.
But I looked at the flight logistics, then got lazy. I decided spending time with my parents was the more responsible choice. I also have a long list of questions I want to ask them while I still can. There are a couple of things around the house that need fixing too.
So I’ll be there with my resources, taking them out to dinner, and trying to remember what it feels like to be someone’s kid instead of someone’s everything.
Okay Fine, You Got Me.
We are not divorcing, not yet at least. But I want you to sit with how easily you believed it, because that discomfort is entirely the point. Having kids will test your relationship to the max. Getting your finances in order beforehand is vital.
Burnout is inevitable, while the appreciation gap can grow. The loneliness of being the parent who always shows up and still feels invisible happens. If you nodded along to any of it, you are not alone, and you are not a bad partner. You are just a tired one who needs a break.
Here is what nobody puts in the FIRE spreadsheet: you can optimize your safe withdrawal rate down to the decimal point and still neglect your marriage. You can retire early, be home every single day, and somehow still feel like a ghost in your own house. The hardest math in personal finance might have nothing to do with money.
Talk to your partner today and recognize their efforts. Laugh about something silly. Go on a date and order the ribeye and celebrate over one too many glasses of wine. Remember who you both were before the kids, the mortgage, the portfolio, and the pressure buried that person under a mountain of Tuesdays.
My wife and I should be fine. We’ve only got 12 more years until our youngest leaves the nest, but you never know. In the meantime, if anyone wants to take me out for a steak dinner in Honolulu or tan your cheeks with me on the beach, just leave a note.
I’ll be with my parents in Honolulu from April 2nd through April 10th, when I catch the red eye home just in time to pick up my wife and kids on April 11th. Because that’s what dads do.
Readers, why do you think so many parents divorce after having kids? And what is one thing that has actually helped you and your partner feel more appreciated when you are both exhausted and running on empty?
Related posts:
Financial Dependence Is The Worst: Why Having Separate Bank Accounts Is Important
How To Prevent Divorce From Ruining Your Retirement
Divorce After Kids: Try Bird Nesting For More Stability
The Cost Of Raising Many Children Isn’t Just The Money
Suggestions For Parents
If you have debt and children, get term life insurance. For too long my wife and I had mismatched policies, which made no sense given our situation. After locking down matching 20 year term policies through Policygenius, we finally felt at ease knowing our children will be taken care of no matter what happens.
With the stock market falling apart, reviewing your finances with a professional is more important than ever. Here is my experience having an Empower professional review my portfolio to help protect it from a downturn. Participate through my link and I will send you a signed copy of my USA Today bestseller, Millionaire Milestones. The instructions are in the linked post.
